High Society
by Garnet Seren
Summary: A fill of an old Mass Effect KinkMeme prompt where Shepard gets invited to a formal event she works out a deal to get the entire crew of the Normandy to go. Full description of the prompt is at the beginning of the story. The majority of the cast makes some sort of apperance during this lighthearted one-shot. Rated T for mild language.


**A/N: The prompt for this story is: Shepard gets invited to a formal event and she works out a deal to get the entire crew of the Normandy to go.**  
** Bonus points for: Kasumi stealing stuff, people making jokes at Gardner about the quality of the food, somebody holds cotillion classes before hand,** **somebody starts a fight because somebody is getting a lil handsy with their LI (bonus points if its Miranda who starts a fight and Jack's the LI), Legion seduces someone on accident, Shepard runs into a celebrity who became a celebrity while she was dead and said celebrity gets angry that Shepard doesn't know them, Zaeed and some turian general get smashed together and start a game of one-up-man-ship, Chakwas spends the entire time at the bar and winds up retching on someones shoes, Kenneth making cracks about all the lady crewmembers being in evening gowns, Jack doesn't wear a dress (or does and the entire crew is in awe), Kelly slips off with another guest for fun times, Grunt smashes an entire room of very expensive things by accident**

* * *

Shepard linked her arm through Councillor Anderson's. "How did I let you talk me into this?" She whispered.  
"I mentioned free drink and food. Don't worry, it will be fine." He patted her hand reassuringly as their names were called.

"Presenting Councillor Anderson and Spectre Shepard." The tannoy announced, forcing them to walk down the curving staircase.  
It was hard won fight to keep her breathing steady and remember to pay attention to the floor length hem of her emerald green dress. Hundreds of pairs of eyes regarded the pair critically, making her stomach lurch.

"I hate these pompous events as much as you do Shepard, think of it as an infiltration assignment. You look lovely by the way." Her de facto father told her as they reached the polished floor of the banquet hall.  
"I'm just thinking of the champagne fountain." She smiled in reply, causing Anderson to laugh warmly.  
She allowed him to lead her to the table where the rest of the Normandy crew sat and to her surprise, he bowed and kissed her hand before departing.

"You are a vision, Siha." Thane's velvet voice greeted her as he placed a hand on the small of her back. Shepard turned to the Drell and regarded the rich red of his, unsurprisingly, leather suit.  
Just as she was about to reply, Joker's sarcasm halted her. "Looking good Commander. Green suits you, the dress is nice too."  
The pilot's baseball cap was still firmly on his head, despite him wearing a tuxedo. Laughing, Shepard reached over and tapped the brim of the cap until it covered Joker's eyes.

Taking her seat, Shepard glanced around the table. Garrus sat to her left, wearing what she supposed was his dress-armour from his days in C-Sec. Next to him was Joker followed by Tali in a fetching bronze and gold envirosuit. To Shepard's pleasant surprise, Kal'Reegar sat next to Tali and then Legion, who's optical light blinked rapidly as he spoke to the two Quarians.  
Kasumi was to the Geth's left, in what appeared to be a deep purple hooded dress. Jacob looked handsome in his tuxedo, much more than Gardener who sat fidgeting in his. Dr Chakwas looked sophisticated in a demure black gown as did Samara who wore a surprisingly high neck, floor length gold dress. Zaeed looked down right miserable in his tuxedo, and hadn't even bothered to tie the bowtie that hung limply around his neck.  
Gabby sat, wearing a silver gown, fixing Ken's lopsided bowtie. Kelly wore a metallic purple number and was engaged in conversation with Mordin who wore a black version of his normal outfit.  
Another surprise was Wrex and Grunt sat side by side in what appeared to be new, identical, black and silver armour. There was an empty space in the seating, between Grunt and Miranda, who wore a plunging red dress. Liara sat next to the Cerberus Officer, in a shimmering white high-necked dress and Feron was beside her, looking very attractive in a dark blue, naturally, leather suit that enhanced the rainbow colours of his scales. Finally, to Shepard's right, was a devastatingly handsome Thane who was smiling at her with unhidden affection.

Heavy footsteps caught her attention, and Shepard turned to see an annoyed looking Jack stomping towards the table wearing, of all things, a pink floor length gown. The biotic's combat boots jutted out beneath the ruffled hem.  
"The food better be worth it." Jack snarled as she threw herself down in the empty chair.  
"Got to be better than Gardener's." Joker quipped which earned him a filthy look from the Mess Sargent.  
"Well I just have to say Jack, your dress hugs your figure in all the right places." Ken drawled in his thick Scottish accent.  
"Kenneth!" Gabby punched her date, not so lightly, on the shoulder.  
"What? I'm just giving the woman a compliment. All of you ladies look like brawshags." The engineer said with a cheeky grin.  
"Keelah, I don't even want to know what that means." Tali rubbed her faceplate, where her forehead would be.

The food was sublime, which was unsurprising, considering this was an Ambassadorial dinner. Once the plates had been cleared away, the orchestra struck up a waltz and every guest made their way to the dance floor.  
"I'm so glad you and Chakwas arranged for us to have Cotillion classes beforehand." Shepard whispered to Thane, squeezing his hand tightly as he led her in the dance.  
"Indeed, Siha. It even seems young Grunt was paying attention."

Shepard turned her head to see a very pleased looking Krogan dancing with a very amused looking Jack. As the song ended, the crew of the Normandy left the dancing to those more versed at the fine art. Heading back to their over-sized table, Liara pointed out that Grunt had placed Jack's hand in the crook of his elbow, much in the same way that Thane did with Shepard.  
"Have you been giving the Krogan pointers?" Feron asked Thane, wearing his usual cheeky grin.

A flash of biotics, followed by a crash, caught their attention.  
"What the hell do you think you are doing?" Miranda yelled at Grunt, her hands still glowing blue as the Krogan sprawled against a ruined podium, a marble statue lay in pieces around him.  
"Sod this, Miri!" Jack growled before stomping out of the room.  
Miranda hit Grunt with another biotic slam before running to catch up with Jack. Poor Grunt hit another pedestal displaying another marble statue, but this time the impact set off a domino effect and soon, every statue in the room lay in heaps of rubble.

She wasn't sure if it was the scene of devastation, Jack refraining from swearing or the shock revelation that Jack had been Miranda's date for the evening, but something left Shepard utterly speechless.  
"Don't worry Shep, I saved one of the statues." Kasumi's disembodied voice laughed near her ear.  
Shepard sighed. "By saved, you mean stole."  
"A thief's gotta do, what a thief's gotta do." Jacob shrugged, eyeing the damage.  
"I need a drink." Shepard proclaimed.  
"I'll join you, Commander." Dr Chakwas said and the two women headed towards the glass fronted bar.

Half a hour later, Shepard left the doctor with Gardener sipping Serrice Ice Brandy. Making her way back to the table she was interrupt by a shaggy haired young woman who was obviously going for the androgynous look, wearing a metallic purple suit with matching tie.  
"Commander Shepard, pleasure to meet you. I'm Big Skittles."  
Shepard simply blinked at the other woman. "Pardon?"  
"Big Skittles, I'm sure you've heard of me. I've topped the charts several times over the past two years."  
"I'm sorry, Miss Skittles, I have no idea who you are."

"Big Skittles is a _male_ pop singer that has a large fan base." Came a familiar voice behind her, full of disdain.  
"Kolyat? What are you doing here?" Shepard smiled gratefully at the young Drell.  
"Officially, guard duty." Kolyat indicated to his C-Sec uniform.  
"And unofficially?"  
"We believed you were in need of some assistance, Shepard-Commander." Legion's synthesised voice stated.  
"Cool, you have a talking robot." The effeminate 'celebrity' beamed at Legion.  
Legion gave Shepard a quick nod. "Shepard-Commander." The Geth's farewell sounded dejected as it turned to so called pop singer.  
"Come on, Shepard. Let's make a break for it." Kolyat whispered, leading her back to the table.

To Shepard's delight, Kolyat slipped into one of the empty chairs.  
"Kolyat?" Thane questioned.  
"I'm due for a break." The younger Drell shrugged.  
"He can do worse than hanging with us." Feron laughed.  
"Yes, because this crew is the model for well-adjusted adults." Liara quipped.  
"Speaking of well-adjusted, where's Zaeed?" Shepard questioned.  
Three taloned fingers wrapped around her shoulder. "Over there." Garrus pointed to an inebriated Zaeed gesticulating wildly as a Turian nodded with conviction.  
Shepard quirked an eyebrow. "Is that Sparatus?"  
"It is." Anderson replied, taking a seat opposite her.  
"And before you ask, Kelly snuck off somewhere with Grunt." Joker informed her.

She was about to bury her head in her hands at this news before a nerve grating voice shouted across the room: "THIS IS AN OUTRAGE"!"  
Turning her head towards the bar, Shepard saw the normally collected Dr Chakwas leaning against the bar and doubled over. Udina was slowly turning an interesting shade of red and Shepard could have sworn the suspicious looking substance across the Ambassador's shoes was alcohol induced vomit. Gardener was rubbing Chakwas' back, in what look like a soothing manner, before he turned to wink at Shepard.  
"Keelah." Tali muttered, laughter distorting her voice through her modulator.

* * *

Shepard woke herself up laughing.  
"What is so amusing, Siha?" Thane's velvet voice was muffled with sleepiness.  
"Just a dream, sorry to wake you."  
Thane mumbled something Shepard's translator didn't quite pick up as he pulled her into a tight embrace.  
Gazing over her lover's shoulder, she caught a glimpse of her emerald green silk dress that hung on the outside of the closet.  
"Spirits. Arashu. Please let tonight run smoother than my dream." Shepard muttered under her breath before slipping back to sleep.

* * *

**A/N: According to my husband, who is Scottish and scarily similar to Ken, a brawshag is a 'pretty woman who looks like they'd be great to have sex with'.  
For those who would like to know, the 'celebrity' is based on Justin Bieber. The name was created from a website I found 'Bieber Posse Name Generator' - I lost IQ points in persuit of this one-shot!  
**


End file.
